I Have No Personality

I was in my office on Monday with Natalie and we were working together on a project finalizing some of the details from Leadnow+Fusion. It occurred to me that we had been in there for quite sometime without even speaking together. I apologized to Natalie telling her that I just didn't have any personality today, so I probably wouldn't be saying much...

The day before, Sunday morning, Robin and I walked into church and I felt pretty weird. We had already skipped "Big Church" and we were just going to our class. We were about to see some of our best friends, not to mention a ton of people who had just sacrificed lots of time and energy to volunteer the two nights before at Fusion. I should be ecstatic to see them, because the way they supported me was phenomenal, but I am not excited to see them. I really don't want to see anyone. I turned to Robin and said, "On no baby - there are so many humans here today. I don't want to see any humans." She chuckled because she knows exactly what is happening to me. We go to class and I have nothing to say. I am sick and have lost my voice, but that's not what I am talking about. I just have nothing to give.

I can't wait to write a post about Fusion - because it was such an amazing, God honoring event. So many incredible things happened that I want to tell you about. But that will come another day...

Lot's of people want to know how I feel after one of our events, but I'm not sure you really want to know. The truth is that I feel Depressed, Empty, and Broken. Every Mission Trip I have led or event I have planned and invested in has yielded these same feelings.

I am Depressed
I don't have my personality because a piece of me is gone. It's coming back, but its not here quite yet. Robin and I have been through this so many times before, but it's still difficult. These events take such a mental and physical toll that I get sick almost every time. Robin is amazing. She understands it because she has been through it herself. She keeps me going the week after the event. I am so thankful to have her. I don't know how Godly men make it without a women who loves Jesus with all her heart like Robin does. In fact, as I look around at the men that I know who really live for Christ - every single one of them has a wife that is sold out as well. I couldn't make it through the tough times with out Robin and her Godly strength. I love Robin!

The depression is hard to explain. Robin says it's kind of like an athlete who is at the end of their season. They have put so much into it and now it's over. I think she is right, but multiply it by 100 because with the event I am investing my very soul. I believe that Almighty God has called me to do this, so the investment goes so much deeper than mental and physical. I guess its just really difficult for me to go back to normal life immediately after the event. I want to see more change. I don't want life as it was before. I want to see more people wholehearted for Christ. So when the daily grind hits again, and people are able to return to life as normal - it hurts.

I am Empty
I don't have anything left to give. I want to give. I feel so selfish because so many give so selflessly to make Fusion happen and I owe so many so much. But I am done. I have nothing in the tank. I didn't even care to watch college football on Saturday - I'm just kind of existing. I'm tired, but its more than that. I'm sick, but its more than that. It's something spiritual. I should have nothing but joy over what God did at Fusion and that He let me play a small part, but I don't. My joy is gone, I am just empty.

I am Broken
The event helps me realize that I have absolutely nothing to offer. All my efforts and all of my plans are completely worthless unless God shows up. And if God shows up - nothing else matters. And the amazing thing is that God shows up every single time. He doesn't do it because of me or anyone else. He does it because of Him. He is just that good. He is just that worthy of our worship. I am broken, not because I have done something wrong. It's because I can do nothing right - apart from Christ. And the fact that Christ would use me - is just too much to handle. It breaks me. I can't believe it. I don't let myself believe it. Why would He use me? I don't know. I don't deserve it. I am broken.

It is an amazing thing to be a child of God. I don't fully understand the emotions that I go through after these events, but I embrace them. I know that they only last a few days. This post has actually taken me a few days to write and I think I'm already starting to get my personality back. I hope I haven't scared you. While these emotions are very raw and real, there is always a faith that supersedes them. I wish I could fully describe the union with Christ that I feel on the other side of the depression, emptiness, and brokenness. He is so good!

I just flat out love Jesus!